Starting Over From Square One

     I promised that I would be open about my weight struggle, and my progress in the biggest loser competition.  We were originally supposed to weigh in Thursday, but didn't weigh in  until Friday.  When I stepped on the scales, it was the first time I had weighed in over a year.  I now wish I had kept up with it better.

     When I was in high school, I was extremely shy.  I was not popular, I was a band kid.  I wasn't even popular with most of the other band members.  I remember one year we had old band uniforms, and they did not have one that would fit me, so they had to take another, cut some fabric out of it, and add them to another to make me a uniform.  I was embarrassed.  My junior year of high school, I weighed in the neighborhood of 280 pounds.  When I graduated I was probably around 250.
     College brought another round.  I stayed around 250 pounds for my first two years of college, but then decided that I wanted to get healthy.  I got down to 212 pounds, was lifting weights, running, and felt great.  When I graduated college I was probably around 230, but still not really bad.
     At the beginning of 2010 I knew I had gotten extremely big, but had no idea what I weighed.  My employer started a biggest loser competition, and I joined up.  When I stepped on the scales, I weighed 310 pounds.  I was sick.  By the end of the year I was 250 pounds, and had every intention of making it back to around 210.  I didn't make it.
     I got back into my old bad habits.  I knew I had put on a good bit of my weight, but I didn't have a clue how much.  I knew that I was having trouble fitting in to some of my clothes, but not like I was before, so I was thinking I was back up to around 280 pounds.  To say I was shocked when I stepped on the scales would be an understatement.
     Here is the hard part.  I said that I wanted to be held accountable, and so I have to be transparent and honest.  I didn't think the honesty part would be so brutal starting out.  When I stepped on the scales, I was back at 310 pounds.  I wanted to cry, and not in a figurative sense.  I honestly wanted to leave work, come home, crawl in bed under the covers and never come out again.  I was ashamed, humiliated, and defeated.  It took me a few hours before I could even think straight.
     What I realized, when I came back to reality, was that I had a hard road ahead of me, but that it was one that I had been down before.  I could succeed again.  This time however, I want it to be a lifetime thing.  When I break the 300 pound barrier again, I want to never go back.  When I am at this weight,  I am different.  I don't mean to be, but I am.  I am even more aware of my weight, and self conscious about it than I normally am.  Honestly, I don't even care to go out in public.  My personality changes, and I go into my shell.  This has to stop.
     I realize that I am now 44 years old, and the losing weight then gaining it back HAS TO STOP.  My body can't keep doing it.  This is my last hurrah, and I mean to succeed.  I have to change the way I do things, and stop using food as a crutch.  I have to find me, and be the me that my family deserves.  It's time.