25 Down

     Another two weeks have gone by, which means another weigh in.  This time I knew I had struggled, not with what I was eating, but with just plain losing weight.  My body, it would seem, has adjusted to eating the foods that I am eating now.  That does not make me very happy.  Anyway, to the weigh in.
     Like I said, I knew that any weight loss would be minimal again this time.  I stepped on the scale, and the numbers 285 popped up.  I have now lost 25 pounds.  I still have quite a ways to go.  I am going to admit to something now that I have done this past weekend.  This weekend I ate normal food.  I ate biscuits and gravy, pizza, fried chicken, and even a few sweets.  I should feel guilty, but I had a good reason, I did it for the diet.
     I have lost a lot of weight before eating the way I am eating, but one thing I have noticed is that my body adjusts, and the weight loss stops.  Therefore, every so often I have to take a couple of days and basically load up on carbohydrates, so that I can "shock" my body back into weight loss.  It is a sacrifice that I really hated to make (wink).
     Now that it is Monday, I am back to going without bread, without sugar, without flour, and with a ton of chicken and salad.  Hopefully I can get back to some good results again in the next two weeks.  25 pounds sounds like a lot, but is just a drop in the bucket with what  need to lose.  It's going to be a long road, but at least I have gotten a good start down it.

April 26, 2005

     There are dates in each of our lives that we will always remember.  Some we remember for good things, and some for things not so happily recalled.  April 26, 2005 is one of those days for me.  It was a day that completely turned my life upside down.

My Dad in his younger days

     I remember exactly where I was, and what I was doing.  I was in my bedroom, getting dressed to go to work.  I heard the telephone ring, and had that feeling that comes when the phone rings at strange times, I knew something was wrong.  It was my brother, and he told me that I needed to get to my Dad's right away. That was all he told me, and was really all I needed to know.  I knew that my Dad was gone without being told.
     I don't remember much after I go there, other than the utter feeling of wishing it were a dream and that I would wake up.  I remember a dear friend of mine coming by and trying to comfort me.  I had tried to do the same for him just a week earlier when he found his teenage son dead.  It was something that I wish we didn't have to share, that heart wrenching grief. I tried to be brave, and hold myself together, but I could not tell you right now if I did it or not.  It's funny how you can remember some of the most minute details in times like those, but the big things get lost quickly to time.
     I do remember finally falling apart after my wife got there.  Part of it was from her being there, and being my shoulder to lean on, but the biggest part was knowing that she was carrying my only son and that my Dad would never get to see him.  That part still hurts even today as I write this.  Life threw me two cruel curve balls with my youngest two children.  My Grandmother died while we were expecting my youngest daughter, and my Dad died while we were expecting my son.  Some times life is even more unfair than others.  Somebody at his funeral told me how excited my Dad was to be having another grandson, and how much he talked about it.  That was, and still is one of the biggest hurts in my life.
     My Dad and I didn't always get along, and I regret every day the years that we foolishly let get away.  I was, and am a lot like him in some ways.  I am stubborn and he was too.  That cost us several of what should have been some of our best years.  I thank God though that we were able to get past our pride, and become close in the last years.  One story. that hardly anybody knows sums up my Dad.  I think he will forgive me for telling this now, because it shows just how my Dad was.
     I was in the process of adopting my oldest daughter.  We had paid the lawyer, filed the paperwork, and thought everything was going to go smoothly.  Soon we found out that there were some problems, and more paperwork was going to have to be done, and more money was going to have to be paid.  I had no clue what to do.  Then, as most of the time now, money was extremely tight, and I had no idea how I was going to come up with the additional funds.
     I had gone to my Dad's and was with him out in his shed.  I didn't want him to know that we had run into problems, but he could sense something was wrong.  He kept on asking me what it was, until I finally gave in and told him.  I left with the money that night.  He knew how important it was to me, and he knew how important it was that the adoption went through.  I will always, always be thankful for that.
     I know that some time today, April 26, 2012 it will hit me and I will break down thinking about things.  I guess that is natural.  My son last night told me that he wanted to be just like me when he grows up.  I hope he can be like my Dad.  He was better than me.
     I still have a dream occasionally where I find out my Dad is not gone, and is still alive.  The vividness of the dream is startling.  I haven't had it in a while, but when I do it is both reassuring, and heartbreaking at the same time.  Everyone who has ever lost a parent misses them, and I miss my dad every day.  This is for you, Jerry Lamar Woods.  I love you, I miss you, and I can't wait to see you again one day.

My Pilot Light Is Out

     I haven't posted in a while.  Actually, I haven't done much of anything noteworthy in a while.  I have not had any fire for anything in a while.  I don't know why this happens, but it just does some times.  I call it my pilot light going out.
     I have known it was going on for a while now.  I can feel it.  Wednesday somebody else finally noticed.  A friend of mine at work asked me what was wrong.  I asked them what they meant, and they said I wasn't myself lately.  I told them I really didn't know.  I wish I did.  I hate being this way.  When my pilot light is burning, I am excited about things, creative.  Not lately.
     Don't get me wrong.  I still function.  I do my job, and do the things I have to do to get by.  The problem is I am just going through the motions.  That makes things worse, because I can do better.  Maybe it is a mid life crisis.  I am 44 years old now.  The thing that bothers me is I look at my life, and I am reminded of all of the things I could have done, and should have done, but didn't.  When you reach my age, you realize that a lot of your dreams for the future will more than likely be just that, dreams.
     I have a wonderful life, a decent (but not great) job, and a tremendous family.  That in itself should keep the fire burning.  I wake up in the morning though and muddle through the day.  One day seems just like the next.  Even writing this blog tonight is a chore, when it used to be fun.  I'm hoping that by writing it down, something will click, and I will find something to light the fire again.  Unfortunately I keep coming back to where I started, caught in a rut.
     I may wake up this morning with a new outlook, but it hasn't happened in a while.  Maybe some flash of inspiration wil hit me.  Maybe I will find a new goal to kick start me.  I just don't know.  I know it is driving me crazy.  I have asked several of my closest friends for prayer, which is something I never do.  I feel guilty asking people to pray for me, I have already been blessed.  I just need something to get my fire lit again.
     Maybe it all goes back to my being such an interim type of guy.  I have always been just good enough at things, but never really good at anything.  I take that back, I was really good at music way back when, but let that talent dry up.  I don't even have the desire to sing any more, and could not tell you the last time I even thought about playing an instrument.  I don't even feel like writing any more.
     Maybe it has something to do with my not achieving my latest goals.  I have seen my battle with my weight slow down dramatically.  I am still losing, but have gone from losing weight noticeably to losng weight painfully slow.  Maybe it has to do with the fact I had set a goal for myself last year to be doing something other than working in a factory by July 4th this year, and not being even remotely close to doing that.  I just don't know.
     I do know that something has to give.  I cannot keep on going through the motions like I have been.  I have to get that fire burning again.

A Quick Update

     I have not been very good at posting lately, and am really not in the mood to do so now.  I did however promise to keep myself accountable in my weight loss journey.  Easter weekend took a toll on me.  I am not even going to try to say that I stuck to my diet that weekend, because I didn't.  I did however do more walking, and tried to be more active.  All in all I had a total of 2 pounds lost for the past two weeks, which was a lot better than gaining.  That brings me down to 290 pounds, with a grand total of 20 pounds lost.  Bear with me as I have just not been in the mental mood lately to blog.  Hopefully soon I can get back in the groove.

All Quiet On The Home Front

     My family is on spring break this week.  One of the things that my wife does most years is to take the kids on a trip to see her sister and her family.  Since my school days are long behind me, and I don't work at the school, I don't get to celebrate spring break.  What this means is that my wife and kids take off and leave Daddy at home.
     I always start the time off with great intentions of all of the things I am going to get accomplished while they are gone.  It hardly ever gets done.  For some reason, Daddy just can't get as much done without his helpers as he can when they are here.  Funny how that works.  I got the grass mowed, and caught a pesky possum that has been hanging around our house.  Thankfully the kids weren't here when the possum got caught, as the last time I caught one they all thought it was cute and wanted to keep it.
     I actually cooked a few meals that were faithful to my diet plan. Truthfully, when my family isn't here eating isn't very high on my list of priorities anyway.  Mostly my diet when they are gone consists of Diet Coke.  I washed my work clothes, and went to the store and bought what I needed for my work week.  I even washed and folded some clothes.  I'm not allowed to do that when my wife is here, as I don't wash them the way she does.  I even washed my dirty dishes.
     The one thing I can't seem to get done when they aren't here is sleep.  It goes against conventional wisdom, but I can't sleep when the family isn't here.  It's just too quiet.  I miss the love I guess.  While they were gone my 6 year old son told them he wanted crab legs.  I guess he thinks Kentucky is the only place that has them.  My sister in law sent me a picture of him eating one.  He was beaming.  I told my wife when she called later I was glad that he got to be spoiled a little.  Lord knows I can't spoil him like I want to.
     By the time this gets posted they will be on  their way home again, but at the time I am writing it they are still gone.  I miss them.  When they are home the TV is mostly on cartoons, or some other kids-teens type show.  For some reason when they are gone there's nothing on TV.  Funny how that works.  Even Saturday when the Braves were on TV they only got to play a few innings before they got rained out.  So much for that.
     The trip up and back is the worst for me, because I worry.  As I write this one part of that is down, but they still have to get back home.  I will be a nervous wreck.  I just need some noise in the house.

Now Comes The Hard Part

     We weighed in again Friday for our biggest loser competition.  I promised to be accountable during this process, and to make my struggle with my weight public.  When you lose weight you normally lose a good bit in the first couple of weeks, and mine was no exception.  I lost 12 pounds at the first weigh in.  I was apprehensive for this last weigh in as I knew that my losses had not been as good, and was seriously wondering if there would be much if any difference this time.
     I had stayed on my eating plan, except for the previous Sunday when I ate a sensible lunch at Arby's, then had a not so sensible Oreo Blast (medium, not the normal large) at Sonic afterward.  Sunday night I topped it off with a bowl of Rice Crispies.  Other than that, I was on the mark.  The time came to weigh in, and I nervously stepped on the scale.  The scale read 292 pounds.  I had lost another 6 pounds.  I was not exactly thrilled, but I'll take it.
     My goal for this beginning phase of getting healthy was to lose 40 pounds in 16 weeks, the length of the biggest loser competition.  I am already almost halfway there.  40 pounds in 16 weeks amounts to 2.5 pounds a week.  That was a high goal.  Most experts say to try to lose a pound a week.  Most everyone else's weight loss has slowed also, so I was not alone.
     I knew going in that this was not going to be easy.  I am older now, and losing the weight is not as easy as it once was.  I can't work out like I did when I was 20, or 30.  Heck, the last few years have been rough and I can't even do the things I could do at 40.  Growing older is tough.  I do what I can do.  Thursday night while my son was at his baseball practice I walked around and around the baseball field.  I am trying to walk as much as possible.  The elliptical machine that we picked up at a yard sale several years ago gets brought out occasionally, but is still mostly used as a hat rack.
     The good thing is that I can actually wear my clothes a little more comfortably now.  There are still a lot of clothes in my closet that I have had since my last health journey that I have never worn.  Maybe they won't be out of style too badly by the time I get to where I can wear them.  Most were gifts from my family, and I am ashamed that they thought enough of me to buy them and I could not use them.  I hope they are proud of me when I finally do.