April 26, 2005

     There are dates in each of our lives that we will always remember.  Some we remember for good things, and some for things not so happily recalled.  April 26, 2005 is one of those days for me.  It was a day that completely turned my life upside down.

My Dad in his younger days

     I remember exactly where I was, and what I was doing.  I was in my bedroom, getting dressed to go to work.  I heard the telephone ring, and had that feeling that comes when the phone rings at strange times, I knew something was wrong.  It was my brother, and he told me that I needed to get to my Dad's right away. That was all he told me, and was really all I needed to know.  I knew that my Dad was gone without being told.
     I don't remember much after I go there, other than the utter feeling of wishing it were a dream and that I would wake up.  I remember a dear friend of mine coming by and trying to comfort me.  I had tried to do the same for him just a week earlier when he found his teenage son dead.  It was something that I wish we didn't have to share, that heart wrenching grief. I tried to be brave, and hold myself together, but I could not tell you right now if I did it or not.  It's funny how you can remember some of the most minute details in times like those, but the big things get lost quickly to time.
     I do remember finally falling apart after my wife got there.  Part of it was from her being there, and being my shoulder to lean on, but the biggest part was knowing that she was carrying my only son and that my Dad would never get to see him.  That part still hurts even today as I write this.  Life threw me two cruel curve balls with my youngest two children.  My Grandmother died while we were expecting my youngest daughter, and my Dad died while we were expecting my son.  Some times life is even more unfair than others.  Somebody at his funeral told me how excited my Dad was to be having another grandson, and how much he talked about it.  That was, and still is one of the biggest hurts in my life.
     My Dad and I didn't always get along, and I regret every day the years that we foolishly let get away.  I was, and am a lot like him in some ways.  I am stubborn and he was too.  That cost us several of what should have been some of our best years.  I thank God though that we were able to get past our pride, and become close in the last years.  One story. that hardly anybody knows sums up my Dad.  I think he will forgive me for telling this now, because it shows just how my Dad was.
     I was in the process of adopting my oldest daughter.  We had paid the lawyer, filed the paperwork, and thought everything was going to go smoothly.  Soon we found out that there were some problems, and more paperwork was going to have to be done, and more money was going to have to be paid.  I had no clue what to do.  Then, as most of the time now, money was extremely tight, and I had no idea how I was going to come up with the additional funds.
     I had gone to my Dad's and was with him out in his shed.  I didn't want him to know that we had run into problems, but he could sense something was wrong.  He kept on asking me what it was, until I finally gave in and told him.  I left with the money that night.  He knew how important it was to me, and he knew how important it was that the adoption went through.  I will always, always be thankful for that.
     I know that some time today, April 26, 2012 it will hit me and I will break down thinking about things.  I guess that is natural.  My son last night told me that he wanted to be just like me when he grows up.  I hope he can be like my Dad.  He was better than me.
     I still have a dream occasionally where I find out my Dad is not gone, and is still alive.  The vividness of the dream is startling.  I haven't had it in a while, but when I do it is both reassuring, and heartbreaking at the same time.  Everyone who has ever lost a parent misses them, and I miss my dad every day.  This is for you, Jerry Lamar Woods.  I love you, I miss you, and I can't wait to see you again one day.