Daddy

My Dad as a Young'un

     Some stuff happened today that got me to thinking about my Dad.  I loved my Dad more than anything in this world, but our relationship wasn't always the greatest in the world.  Some of it had to do with the fact that we were so much alike.  The older I am getting though, and the more I am experiencing life, the more I realize I just didn't cut him enough slack.  I'm finding that out the hard way.
     One of the biggest problems my Dad and I had was when I was in high school and college.  I would get angry at my dad, when he didn't come to watch me play in the band, come to concerts, or other activities that I was involved in.  I didn't understand everything back then that I do now.  I wish I had.  I could have had more time with him.
     I always thought that my Dad just didn't care enough about me to be bothered with watching me.  Lately I have come to understand that there are other things that probably factored into it.  When my Dad would come to watch me in a ball game, he would stand at the fence and not come in.  I took it as an insult.  When I graduated college my Dad wasn't there.  I didn't speak to him, unless I had to, for several years after.  For a long time I didn't call him Daddy, just Jerry.  I can't imagine how much hurt that must have caused him.
     As I have gotten older, and have kids of my own, I see just how wrong I was.  It came to a head with me today.  I am obsesive about being with my kids whenever I possibly can whenever they are doing anything.  Friday night, my oldest daughter will be traveling to march at a football game that I could be at if I really hustled.  The more I tried to figure out how I was going to do it, the more I realized that I couldn't.  It had nothing to do with time this time, just the fact that between gas money, ticket to the game, food, etc, that I just could not afford to do it.  The mortgage, gas for work, power bill, etc. had to take precedence.
     I probably could have pulled it off is my son didn't have a football game Saturday morning, and My daughter didn't have a band contest Saturday afternoon.  These are things I feel like I have to be there for.  Then it hit me, how many times did my Dad wish he could be in the stadium for me, but didn't so that he could make sure I had the material things I needed?  My Dad worked a lot, and I never went without anything I truly needed.
     I found out after my college graduation that my Dad had indeed came to it, but it had rained and the graduation was moved from the college to a local high school gym.  My Dad had given up his ticket so that others in my family could be there.  I was wrong.
     I struggle sometimes with the fact that I could probably get a job that pays better than what I have now, but it would come at a price.  The hours would be different, and I would miss out on so many things in my kids lives.  It is a hard choice to make.  I hope that as my kids get older, the fact that I was there for them as much as I possibly could be outweigh the fact that they missed out on a lot of material things.
    I also hope that my Dad, who I know is in Heaven looking down on me, knows how much I loved him.  Our relationship before he died was great, and we had many good years before he passed.  I just wish I could have some of the time we missed because we were both so stubborn back.