Between A Rock And A Hard Place

     It's killing me.  This afternoon, after I picked up the kids from the sitter, I could tell that Lauren, my 9 year old, was upset.  I thought something might have happened during the day, or she was just having a bad day.  We got home, started trying to unwind, but Lauren went into her room and sat in the dark.  Later, she came out and went on the porch and sat on her bicycle.  I knew something wasn't right.
     I went out, sat on the swing, and patted the seat beside me for her to sit down.  She wouldn't.  Now I was really concerned.  I finally got her to come and sit in my lap, and thought she just wanted some Daddy time.  I asked her what was wrong.  She said nothing was wrong.  I asked again, and again she said nothing, and started crying.  Finally, I got her to spill the beans.
     Lauren was upset, because she never gets to see her Mama and Daddy much any more.  That was the hardest thing for me to hear.  I try my best to be there for my kids, nothing is more important to me than that.  For one of them to tell me they feel neglected is a hard pill to swallow.
     The problem is that we are like a lot of people, and are having to work our tails off just to make ends meet.  Daddy going in early and staying late, Mama working two jobs, just to make ends meet.  Kids don't understand things like this.  Summer is supposed to be the time when kids are with their parents, having fun.  Not seeing your parents is tough.  I know, I have been leaving for work in the middle of the night while my family is asleep, then picking the kids up when I finally get off, and getting to see my wife for a precious few moments when she finally comes home at night before I crash for my 4 or 5 hours of sleep.  I hate it.
     There are times I wish I could just let everything go, and just  have some family time.  If only it was that easy.  The hardest part is the kids knowing that this year there won't be a vacation, or much of anything special.  Kids just don't understand that you are hanging on by the skin of your teeth, and that you have to do what you are doing to survive.  That's when I realize that despite all of my good intentions, and all that I thought I was doing right, I have let my family down.
     Maybe I should have followed the money more, and worked the jobs where I could have made better money.  Maybe I was selfish in wanting to see my kids play ball, and be there for things like that.  I just don't know any more.  I know it hurts.  I want to be everything for everybody.  Right now we are between the rock and the hard place, and the kids are the ones that are paying the price.  That's the ultimate hurt.
     After I wrote this, my 9 year old came up to me and told me she had found some money and gave it to me.  It was a dollar bill, a couple of quarters, and a bunch of pennies.  I asked her where she found it, and she said it was on my bed.  I thought it might have fell out of my pocket, but then remembered I didn't have that kind of money on me.  I asked her about it again, and she finally told me the money was hers.  I tried giving it back to her, but she wouldn't take it.  She wanted me to have it, so that I wouldn't have to work so hard any more.  I have no doubt I have the best kids in the world.
     That gives me the strength to get back up at 3:00 a:m another day and get after it.  They aren't giving up on me, so I can't give up either.