Soul Searching

     Wow, I promise, I have meant to keep up with the blog.  I have thought about it several times, but never did get around to writing anything.  Today I am going to let everybody into my mind for a little bit.  It's not going to be very comfortable for me.
     Anybody that REALLY knows me knows that I have problems.  I'm not talking about major psychological issues, (although I guess they could be), but just normal idiosyncrasies.  I sometimes take these quirks to the extreme.  First off, I like people, I really do, but most of he time I cannot stand being around anybody else.  I guess some people mistake it as me not being friendly, or things along those lines, but that is really not the case.  I am extremely self conscious, and that leaves me feeling awkward in public situations.  I know that sounds weird, but if you aren't this way, there is no way you could understand.  It drives me crazy some times, because  I would love to be out, have friends, and do things normal people do.  I just can't do it most of the time.
     I guess it is, truthfully and painfully, depression.  I hate to say that, because I know of the stigmas that are associated with that term.  Some days I would just rather stay in bed and not face the world than get up and do what I have to do.  Lately, I have been facing these feelings more often than not.  It's not something that I am proud of.  Last week was a perfect example.  We had a dinner at my church, and my family went.  Everything was fine, and I was having a good time, then it hit.  I quietly slid out of the building and went and sat in the car by myself.  I just couldn't take it any more.  It hurts. 
     The hardest part to me is that I never feel like I am good enough, or do good enough in anything I do.  At one point in my life I used that to drive myself.  Now, I mostly let it keep me down.  As hard as it is for me to admit, I have pretty much quit trying at most things.  I go through the motions.  I go to work, do my job, then go home.  My best days are when I can get through the day without being noticed.  I can actually go through some days with barely speaking to another person if I want.  Not a fun way to be.
     I know a lot of people think I am just not friendly, or whatever, and I hate that.  Please just try to understand.  If you are ever around me and I seem like I am in my own little world, I probably am.  Hopefully now that I have gotten this out of the way, I can get back to writing about things that people want to read about.  Now if I can just hit the post button.